Sunday, October 29, 2006

Top 5 Jumpseat Scares

"Come with us, children"
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) Final Destination (2000)
Alex has his usual premonition before something terrible happens. Then we witness a near fatal car accident, but everyone's ok. Have they survived Deaths's pattern once more, or not at all? And right then, when the completely expendable girl mouths the words "drop fuckin' dead", a bus comes out of nowhere and runs over her. Holy Mother of God... Moral lesson: never curse and always look both ways before crossing a road...

4) Friday the 13th (1980)
Everything is fine, our heroine is alive and triumphant, the villain is exposed, everything looks like we'll have a happy and most of all, serene ending. Christine is on the boat, Crystal Lake is so peaceful, the birds are chippin' and all is wonderful in life. Oh, look, Sergeant Tierney is here, hurraaaay, crack open the champagne. Then it hits you, little Jason pops out of the water, grabs and drags poor Alice into the lake. No, wait, it was just a dream... Music and disfigurement make this moment even more horrifying, not to mention the fact that it totally catches you off-guard, thinking the movie has ended and all. This scene, as stupid and unneccessary it may be, saved the whole movie.

3) Alien (1979)
It's not the chest-bursting scene, which may be extremely scary but it's not sudden, jump-seat scary. The alien is in the airlocks, Dallas is after it with a flamethrower. We constantly hear a blipping sound at a steady rate. Dallas finds some goo, and the signal is lost. Lambert starts crying in her mic for Dallas to get out of there, violins set the mood. The blipping sound is back and it's fast, the alien is after him. Then, a squeeky irritating sound and out comes the alien, in all its glory for the very first time. Just a couple of frames are enough to make you shit your pans. Screen goes blank, bye bye Dallas.

2) The Thing (1982)
The infamous defibrillator scene. MacReady is left outside to freeze to death, cause everyone believes he's the Thing. But guess what, they're all wrong. Macready gets really pissed off and smashes his way in through a window, threatening to blow everyone up with TNT. Norris collapses due to heart attack and Copper tries to revive him. He hits him once with the defibrillator unit. He tries again, but who could expect it, his chest opens and transforms into a teethy mouth chopping Copper's arms. Copper dies, Norris' head develops legs, the Thing escapes and we're left with our mouths wide open, saliva staining the floor and all. Damn...

1) The Others (2001)
It's not the opening scream, neither Victor's finger, nor the room with the scary painting and the sheet covered statues. Not even the "you're not my daughter" scene. It's all that, plus the final scene. The end is near, everything leads to the big climax. Grace tries to protect the children from the seemingly evil servants and sends them upstairs to hide. So, the children enter an empty room and hide in the closet. Music stops, heavy breathing follows.You actually expect something edgy to happen, and Amenabar doesn't dissapoint the fans. Someone is in the room, a voice is heard. The door opens, the decibels rise rapidly and the whole screen is filled with an elderly blind wrinkled woman, who can best be described as Donnie Darko's Grandma Death. Mop on aisle four, please...

So many to mention. Basically any slasher movie scares, from Halloween to Scream. Also, Carrie's hand, Signs' alien at the party, Deep Blue Sea's Samuel Jackson's death, Psycho's shower scene, What Lies Beneath's stereo, Evil Dead II's Ash turns to demon.The Descent, Wolf Creek, Poltergeist, Romero and Argento's movies, they all came close. But An American Werewolf In London's second dream, and the Eye's elevator scene would win places six and seven. It's the top 5 Jump-seat Scares, so movies with horrifying scenes but with prolonged terror or no sudden outburst, do not qualify. That leaves out The Shining, Blair Witch Project etc. So, wait for the Top 5 Horrifying Scenes list.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Top 5 Movie Deaths

"The horror, the horror..."
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) Psycho (1960)
The shower scene with about 90 splices in it. The shower scene that took 7 days to shoot. The shower scene that made people scream. The shower scene spoofed and immitated a thousand times since. The shower scene that's been spoiled from the huge buzz, which at the end makes you ask yourself "what's the big deal?". So, unless you're pushing fifty, I can't really think of a reason this scene impressed you the very first time. Would it stay in cinematic history, were it shot today? I don't think so. Hitchcock's myth played a big part back then, that's for sure. So, the fifth place is really more of a tribute, but I acknowledge the fact that Hitchcock played it brilliantly. Killing the lead character in the middle of the film, and creating the background for a shocking ending, makes you realize that Alfred didn't get the King Of Suspense title in vain.

4) Apocalypse Now (1979)
There isn't much to be said about maybe the best movie ever made, but once you watch this masterpiece you realize that it lives up to its name. For 150 minutes Francis Ford Coppola succesfully manages to create this myth around Marlon Brando's character. And then we are introduced to Colonel Kurtz, and we gaze in awe. In awe for Brando's performance and the movie's grand finale. We watch, while listening to The Doors' The End, as Captain Willard butchers Kurtz. More like a sacrifice than an assasination, this death earns 4th place for meaning alone, which shouldn't be explained but left solely to the viewer's judgement. Enough said.

3) Indiana Jones And The Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
The Ark is opened, and all hell breaks loose. Well, actually it's more like God's wrath, but when you watch Nazis' faces melt or explode and spirits soare, you ain't exactly thinking. This being an Indiana Jones movie, which translates into a family-friendly actioner, gets a little edgy towards the end, offering some naive 8-year-olds life-time traumas. So, if you come to think of it, you would have saved yourself of all those Nazi-melting filled nightmares if you had actually heard your brother advicing you to close your eyes. Smart bloke, that Indy fella.

3) American History X (1998)
Director Tony Kaye uses violence in order to tell an actual story, not just for the sake of it. So, via flashbacks we witness how the racist Neo-Nazi Derek Vinyard becomes a reformed citizen. When the scene with the "put your mouth to the curb" comes along, you are just in the right mood to get the anti-racism message. But the director doesn't overdo it, he doesn't use graphic violence, he just gives us a close-up on the boy's face biting onto the curb, and then cuts just before Edward Norton stomps on his head. It's the sound that makes it so terrifying, so disturbing. Stays in your mind for ages.

1) Irreversible (2002)
Most brutal on-screen death ever. This movie became famous, or maybe infamous, due to its 8 minute rape scene of Monica Bellucci. But I assure you, whoever watched this one will remember it for that fire extinguisher scene. As this movie is told backwards, we first witness Marcus and Pierre looking for Alex's rapist. Long story short, they end up in this perverted club -Rectum- where they engage in a fight which can best be described as "just wrong". After Marcus gets his arm twisted and broken, Pierre, the up-until-then calm guy grabs a fire extinguisher and hits the guy's face, over and over and over again, and the single shot shows every last thing, from the broken teeth to the final mushed face. Your jaw drops and you get the tingling feeling up your spine. Whether or not this is an extreme depiction of violence made entirely to cause fuss, it's another story. This death is more efficient to a viewer's cinematic experience than any other movie death, so it wins first place.

Alien's chest bursting scene would be No 5, but Psycho took its place. Other contenders include Se7en's off-screen murders, Wizard Of Oz "I'm melting" witch, exploding fat guy at Monty Python's Meaning of Life, Bambi's mother is shot, Meet Joe Black's car pinball, Jaws' opening scene, American Psycho's axe scene, Pulp Fiction's car scene, Braveheart's freeeedom scene, Carlito and Tony Montana's deaths, Scream's screaming Drew Barrymore, Blade Runner, Return Of The Jedi, the Final Destination deaths, Killed Bill, Deep Blue Sea's Samuel Jackson scene and House of Wax's Paris-Hilton-gets-it scene (pure joy this one).

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Top 5 Movie Endings

"Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place
and worth fighting for." I agree with the second part."
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) Carlito's Way (1993)
A brilliant movie with a brilliant ending. I'm talking about the last monologue of Carlito Brigante, one of the most moving monologues of cinema history. Read just the lines, and it sounds a little stupid, but hearing it through Al Pacino's shaking voice as Carlito dies, and seeing the whole thing through De Palma's soaring camera, you can understand why this ending earns 5th place. Don't even compare it with Scarface, this is a story of regret, of trying to get away from a guilty past. And in the end, it's just the sunset and a woman dancing. Indeed, they don't make movies like that anymore.

Sorry boys, all the stitches in the world can't sew me together again. Lay down... lay down. Gonna stretch me out in Fernandez funeral home on Hun and Ninth street. Always knew I'd make a stop there, but a lot later than a whole gang of people thought... Last of the Moh-Ricans... well maybe not the last. Gail's gonna be a good mom... New improved Carlito Brigante... Hope she uses the money to get out. No room in this city for big hearts like hers... Sorry baby, I tried the best I could, honest... Can't come with me on this trip, Loaf. Getting the shakes now, last call for drinks, bars closing down... Sun's out, where are we going for breakfast? Don't wanna go far. Rough night, tired baby... Tired...

4) Se7en (1995)
This is a genre-blender, a film noir with gore elements, a cop thriller with a dash of psychological drama. It broke all the rules in the book. For the first time the explicit murders are shown to us. The killer is presented to us long before the end, and makes you wonder why. What could possibly be more shocking than what has happened already? It rained for the whole movie, setting the perfect atmosphere, then near the end the sky is clear. And you ask yourself, Who is envy, who is wrath? Then, you finally witness one of the best climaxes there are. John Doe has the most clever killing pattern in movie history, and no matter how many times Se7en's plot is immitated, it will never lose its greatness. Plus, like in every David Fincher movie, there's such a vivid comment on the decline of society, which gives even deeper meaning to its ending.

3) Magnolia (1999)
Why are there in the very beginning the little stories about accidents and coincidences? We will sure find out, but PT Anderson won't make it easy for us. Three hours in, it starts raining frogs, and just like the sing-along, it actually makes sense. Not quite a god intervention, but an amazing way for all the characters to reach redemption, as their destiny changes while driving down Magnolia Boulevard. Aaaaaahhhhaaaaaaa you might say, and god damn right. Now watch the movie again, see how we may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us, and watch how all the characters "wise up". Best script ever.

2) Citizen Kane (1941)
Forget the hype, the critics and the best-movie-ever buzz. Whether you loved or hated this one, you can't but admire what Orson Welles achieved at the age of 25. It's a movie that can easily compare with today's so-called masterpieces. The cinematography and direction are astonishing for a movie six decades old. But its greatness revolves around its storyline, where through flashbacks we watch Kane's rise to power from his early years. What do his last words mean? It troubles you throughout the film, and in the last frames we are presented with an image so powerful, a bobsled being destroyed, that makes you think about lost innocence, regrets, the pursuit of happiness and how these matters affect one's life. Ground-breaking.

1) Dogville (2003)
Lars Von Trier reaches new levels of misogunism. Nicole Kidman's Grace is on the run, she hides in Dogville, a little village with seemingly nice people. As the movie progresses, Grace's kindness is exploited in a way no words can describe accurately enough. Under the hypocritical veil of civilized society, she swallows everything, meanwhile pointing out their mistakes. When daddy-the mob boss arrives on the scene, the villager's give Grace away, and she takes a revenge we're never likely to see again. It's not like The Shawshank Redemption's feel-good tear-jerker ending, this is the actual definition of the word redemption, in its purest and most righteous form. A deserving massacre, a true gut punch. Slavery, hypocricy, exploitation, innocence, revenge, execution, arrogance, corruption, religion, pick a word, this movie has an opinion for it. Is it a comment on modern America? Most certainly is, even if some people deny it. If you haven't seen it, don't miss it.

Chinatown, Godfather Part II, Thelma & Louise, Casablanca, Memento, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, American Beauty, Donnie Darko, The Shawshank Redemption, Big Fish, The Truman Show, this was a tough one. For twists, read my Top 5 Plot Twists.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Top 5 Movie Heroes

"Get away from her, you bitch!"
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) Luke Skywalker
I was really doubtful about this one. He is a poorly written character that gets all the praise and glory after the first Star Wars' huge success. He initially is a terrific pilot, but in the movies to come we witness the skillfull swordsman, heroic figure who dares to mess with the "Man". Were it not for the arm-chopping and the effects-driven chases, I doubt he would have earned this one. But still, Luke has so much potential as a character, plus he has been worshipped and loved by a whole generation, and not without a reason I might say. Put the blame on good timing, cause if this character was in a B-movie Sci-fi and not on the most successful trilogy of the 20th century, then he would have been a footnote on this list.

4) James Bond
He's a spy for the British govenment, accompanied by gorgeous women, expensive cars, fancy gadgets, cheesy one-liners and carries a license to kill. It doesn't get any cooler than this. Don't search for human qualities on this character, oversee the invisible cars and stuff, and you shall see why this is the most successfull movie character ever. With 20 movies, 5 different actors and counting, you can't judge James Bond subjectively, since every actor contributed different qualities to him. It wasn't until Die Another Day that we saw him imprisoned and abused, an unsucuccessfull attempt to show some dark fearures of his. With Casino Royale out in some weeks, he could be higher in this list, or not at all. I hope it's the first one.

3) John McClane
He is the definition of the all-time American cop action-hero type. I'm not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing, but with Bruce Willis on it, we see a dark character with balls and attitude instead of some stupid untouchable hero-wannabe persona. Talk about right person at the wrong place, at the wrong time, John is reluctant to do his job, but saves the day afterall. Tough and grumpy, this man doesn't know when to give up. He combines Indy, Bond and Mel Gibson's Martin Riggs qualities, which translates into a bruised and battered, break-every-rule kind of guy with an attitude problem. You don't mess with this one.

2) Ellen Ripley
This woman fights for survival ever since the Nostromo discovered the alien race. The character of Ripley was originally written for a man, but it makes so much more sense with Sigourney Weaver. She has logic, she tries to outsmart the alien, she has moral principles, that's why she survives the first movie. In the second one, we see her maternal instincts, her kick-ass side and her sensitivities. In the third one she's the definition of the word survivor, while in the last one she combines rather ineffectively all the above. Alien invented the space horror genre and Aliens is one of the best action movies ever made, and don't get me started on how this franchise affected movie monsters. Nobody else could possibly fill in Sigourney's shoes, she offers us an action heroine unlike anything we had ever seen, but many times badly immitated since.

1) Indiana Jones
He teaches archaeology and at his spare time he discovers hidden treasures and fights the Nazis.He knows how to handle a whip, plus he's pretty good with his fists too. He hates snakes and he doesn't say no to exotic cuisine. Indy was something completely different when he first appeared. He wasn't this macho, trigger-happy guy with an atitude, nor was he an out-of-this-world carricature. No stupid one-liners, no fancy gadgets, this man doesn't get out of trouble without bruises. His girls actually have a pesonality. He's a real, believable character, and this is due to Harrison Ford's performance and Spielberg's inventive direction. They gave us three Indiana Jones movies filled with stunning action sequences, horror elements, lots of humour, but above all things, stories that didn't defy our IQs. If this is not movie magic then I don't know what is. Real entertainment for all tastes. Mr Spielberg, get to work please.

Ash, the crazy, girlfriend-killing, arm-chopping, demon-possesed, chainsaw-using, monster-fighting, mean motherfucker from the Evil Dead franchise would have taken Luke's place, but came sixth. The other main contenders were The Bride, Han Solo, Neo and Ethan Hunt. In a random order, Rocky, Rambo, Conan, Harry Callahan, Martin Riggs, Mad Max, Clarice Starling, Jack Ryan and Aragorn would fill in the Top 20. Only franchise characters were considered, which means two or more movies with the same character. And no, sniveling brats like Harry Potter were not considered either.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Top 5 Plot Twists

"Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same."
Here are the finest five of them all.

5)The Usual Suspects(1995)
Well-written script, that's for sure. Could he be Keyser Soze? Is everything made up entirely? It's as if the plot serves one purpose and one purpose only: make you watch the movie again and again. Although it may be a thrilling ride the first couple of times, then the whole thing starts unravelling, revealing some plot holes which are interpreted differently by each and every viewer. But that's the magic of the movie. It's not just the final twist, The Usual Suspects is built that way in order to make you think and rethink the movie from its very beginning, and engage in endless conversations with your pals. Well played, Mr Singer.

4) The sixth sense (1999)
The most talked about twist of all time, even from Psycho. The twist that gave Shyamalan his trademark. Jaws drop and "shut up!" repeated constantly. There are almost no clues in the film, showing us that Bruce's character is actually dead from the start, other than the alienation with his wife. Jacob's Ladder was a more psychological take of the same main concept, but the 6th Sense was a crowd-pleaser, and that's where its success is based upon. You can't overlook the plot holes, like how did Bruce enter houses and stuff, but this movie reinvented a genre.

3) The Others (2001)
Such a shocking ending. This movie combines the right direction, script, editing and performances, all for the sake of the final twist. Borrowing elements from The Sixth Sense and The Haunting, it gets you in the right mood from the very beginning. It may seem like such a simple plot (haunted mansion, children seeing ghosts) and you turn off your brain. And as we progress towards the end, everything turns around. And you start thinking, why didn't I see that coming? So Overall, it's not just for the scares, this movie is based on a main concept like we've never seen before, making you see things from a ghost's point of view.

2) Fight Club (1999)
How twisted is the Narrator? When we come to realize that Tyler Durden was just a figment of his imagination, an alter ego with all the qualities he lacked, you can't but admire the way all the events where depicted on us. And there are clues throughout the movie. The single frames of Tyler, as his personality starts kicking in, the monologues of the Narrator, the attitude of Marla and everyone else. An irony about the downfall and the lack of sincerity in our society, how mayhem and chaos actually make sense from time to time, how sick our current lifestyle really is. Fight Club is a disturbing movie, yet honest and pure, the twist has an actual meaning unlike most films. Now go consume.

1) Oldboy (2003)
Once he starts turning the pages of the photo album, you become suspicious. When he reaches that picture, it's as if a trap door opens underneath your feet. And the manipulation has just got started. It's the perfect revenge plot. What's moral, right or wrong, it's all a matter of opinion. Who seeks forgiveness and who seeks redemption now? Everything is justified, in a script with no plot holes. In the second viewing, you spot and understand the little details. In third viewing, you're along for the ride. And that final shot where Mido and Oh-Dae Su hug in the mountains! Did the psychic do her job? Does he still remember everything? Is Park Chan Wook a twisted fuck?

Angel Heart, Audition, Wild Things, Planet Of The Apes, The Game, Chinatown, Saw, Jacob's Ladder, sorry but you all came close. Again, Psycho had indeed a great twist, but there have been much better ones since then.
It's the top 5 plot twists, not the best endings. So, endings with no particular twist of events were not considered. That leaves out Se7en, Citizen Kane etc. Just wait for the Top 5 Movie endings.

Top 5 Drug Films

"Choose your future. Choose life... "
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas (1998)
This movie is like the bastard child of Salvador Dahli and Snoop Dogg. It's as if the entire crew and cast were constantly high during filming. No narration pattern, no storyline, yet such an entertaining movie. Like it or not, it's the only movie to show us what it looks and feels like getting high through the eyes of a junkie. Terry Gilliam's finest hour, Depp's best performance to date, in one word, surreal.

4) Scarface (1983)
This is actually a gangster film, nevertheless it surely deserves 4th place. We watch Tony Montana pursuing the American Dream and finally becoming a drug and crime lord. There isn't much to say for this movie that hasn't already been said, one of Pacino's greatest performances, maybe DePalma's greatest film, but it's the complete lack of political correctness that gives this movie its glory. And this is mainly due to Oliver Stone's script and him fighting over a drug addiction while writing it. Lots and lots of cocaine, drugs here shape each and every situation in the crime world. It's the over-the-top situations and the extreme violence that make this movie unforgettable though, not the drugs, still it's a great drug related movie.

3) Traffic (2000)
Watch this with the right mood and your complete attention and you shall see its greatness. Scripted by Stephen Gaghan, the man who gave us Syriana, this movie has everything. Drug fighting DEA official, junkie daughter, drug smuggling, drug dealing, corrupted officers and so much more, this man knows how to write a script. Soderbergh's eye is intentionally detached from all the characters, giving a documentary-like feeling with his hand-held camera. Trully enlightening movie, deals with every aspect of drug addiction while taking nobody's side. Everything you could ask for from a political thriller.

2) Requiem For A Dream (2000)
It's a movie you 'll probably watch only once in your lifetime, but it will stay in your mind for many many years to come. Extremely depressing movie, it's as if Innaritu made it. It shows you how addiction is a bitch, show you the real decadence of our society. Rarely you find such an exact depiction of everyday flawed characters. Glorious direction, fitting editting (watch Aronofsky's Pi) and soundtrack, plus a breathtaking performance by Ellen Burstyn. You either love or hate this movie, nothing in between.

1) Trainspotting (1996)
It's the drug world from the junkie's point of view. Expains why they do it, how they got started, how they deal with it. Not the best portrayal of characters, you have a comic sidekick, a sleazy bastard, a smart-ass and Renton... But Boyle's stylish and daring take on drug addiction and degradation gave us a film that changed movie history. No cliches here, you see it as it is, be it the infant's death or the heroin injections. The bedroom rehabilitation scene is pure cinematic anthology. Provocative.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Top 5 Hitman Movies

"Can we try with real bullets now?"
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
This is a real gem. A clever action comedy which you can actually see with your girlfriend. John Cusack is a hitman who goes back to his home town to do one last hit and at the same time attend his high school reunion, and starts rethinking about his carreer choices and his life. Sounds like a middle-age crisis movie hidden under the whole troubled hitman scenario, but in reality it's much more than that. Cool dialogues, really really good action sequences and some belly laughs make this movie a must-see.

4) Ichi The Killer a.k.a. Koroshiya 1 (2001)
Cult as hell, this one has some of the cruelest scenes you 're ever likely to see in Asian filmmaking, let alone Hollywood. It's the story of a mentally challenged but highly skillful hitman who gets tangled in a Yakuza kidnapping case. The story is too complex to explain, plus if I try, I'll reveal some of the key elements that make this movie so special. It's a creation of Takashi Miike ("Kiri kiri kiri" ring any bells?), so expect a twist in the end and some sick, sick stuff. Not a pure hitman movie, it's an alternate take on the exploitation of a man's weaknesses and moral boundaries. Not for the faint of heart.

3) Collateral (2004)
Tom cruise plays Vincent, a hitman who gets into Jamie Foxx's cab and forces him to drive him around town to complete his dirty work. A trully dark performance by Cruise, getting better over the years, plus amazing chemistry between the leading duo. Michael Mann is at his best, giving us a cool thriller set in LA, as beatiful as ever. This movie is so smart, it actually puts a hitman and a peaceful cab driver stuck in the same place, talking about the morality of killing and all the stuff that drive the viewer deep into the mind of a hired assasin. Witty dialogues and satisfying action sequences too, which could mayyybe make this the best hitman movie, if not for the crappy ending and some huge plot holes.

2) Nikita (1990)
Nikita is a cop killer who gets a second chance in life by becoming a professional assasin for a government agency. This is Besson's first masterpiece, a really stylish movie with "cool" written all-over it. Anne Parillaud gives a wonderful performance, first a wild untamed junkie and then a tender and used, reformed assasin. She becomes a vacant person, seeking for freedom and redemption. Nikita actually reinvented the whole hitman genre, showing the human side of the up-until-then cold blooded murderers. Doing so, this movie got ripped off by so many hitman movies, that the genre lost some of its appeal. Don't watch the remake, it lacks Besson's passion and style.

1) Leon (1994)
Not only the best hitman movie ever, but also one of the most artistically perfect movies ever. Besson's stylish yet moving direction, one of the best bad guys ever for Gary Oldman, Jean Reno as the child-like, innocent assasin and Natalie Portman as the grown-up Mathilda. Reno and Portman's carreers owe a lot to this movie, showing their talent to the whole world. The script deals with so many things, the moral aspect of killing, the exploitation of the weak, revenge and corruption, lost innocence, friendship and forbidden love, it's maybe the first film to justify paedophilia (although it's only hinted) after Lolita. Deep development of characters, action with a reason, moving finale. Everything you could ask for in a movie.

John Woo's The Killer finished 6th, The Jackal is so flawed (never seen the original though), A Long Kiss Goodnight is a total rip-off of Nikita, Pulp Fiction,Reservoir Dogs and Ripley's Game aren't actually hitman movies, and Jason Bourne and The Bride were assasins, but now they just seek revenge. Maybe in the Top 5 revenge movies then.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Top 5 Movie Things I Want But I Can't Have.

"All we are is dust in the wind, dude!"
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) Lightsaber
Every child's wet dream in the late 70s and 80s. Every kid wants to be a jedi and have one of those. But I want that double, kick-ass, red one Darth Maul used to handle so skillfully. It's pretty dangerous though. I mean, if these things went to market, there would be chopped hands everywhere. Women would carry it around instead of mace. It's got its pros too.If you get lost in a blizzard, you could cut open an imaginary creature's stomache and warm yourself in its intestines. Pretty useful in cutting bread and toasting it at the same time. Now, that's a life saver.

4) Bill & Ted's Time travelling Phone Booth
Think about all the possibilities. You could travel back in time and spend an evening with Merilyn, run naked in Woodstock, take Hitler to 8th century's Ireland, introduce pot to Romans or just ask for Einstein to write your high school essay about the theory of relativity. Remember that great girl you used to go out with but she dumped you? You can finally have sex as many times you want with her and then dump her. Plus, it doesn't constitute as cheating. Or you could just go forth in time and get a lightsaber.

3) James Bond's Gadjets and Vehicles
Laser watches, portable helicopter, X-ray glasses, you name it. Fly to work with your jet pack in style, park your invisible car on your neighboor's loan, show off your card-guessing skills and get all the girls. Plus you can say a lot of lame lines. Or you can ask for Q to build you a lightsaber. Oh, and don't tell me you wouldn't trade your left nut for an Aston Martin.

2) The Matrix's skill-teaching machine
Learn kung fu in three seconds. No need for driving school. Load the entire wikipedia to your head. See what it's like to be know-it-all Good Will Hunting. Then,use your knowledge to do good. Find a cure for cancer and premature ejaculation. Or build your own lightsaber and time machine and sell the lightsabers to 80s children. Watch as society collapses.

1) Dirk Diggler's penis
Have this and you finally have a purpose in life: share your talent with the rest of the world. Join a circus and be the real one-eyed monster. Use your wang to scratch your knee without bending. Order condoms specially made for your schlong. Show off your weiner in the showers. Be a dildo model. Get in the Guinness Book of Records as the male-stripper-with-the-most-tips-in-a-single-show. You can photograph your shaft and upload the picture on a gay site, saying "See this rod, you can never have it". Cum in Heather Graham's tits. Cause afterall, what do you need a lightsaber when you 've got a 12 inch cock.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Top 5 Psycho Villains

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone"
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) The Joker - Jack Nicholson in Batman (1989)
He's definitely the craziest villain there is, although he's a comic character. Even so, with no superpowers, but with a chilling grin and a genious criminal mind, Jack Nicholson's performance stole momentum from Batman himself. If you think about it, we've seen bad guys with much more power than him. The only thing he wants to do is to release nerve gas to a whole city. But this a pure lunatic, one of a kind, we've never even seen a character this insane since 1989. Nicholson's Joker can't possibly be surpassed by Heath Ledger in the upcoming Batman. A trully mind-blowing performance.

4) John Doe - Kevin Spacey in Se7en (1995)
Kevin Spacey actually appears in just the last 30 minutes of the film. But that's more than enough for delivering one of the best serial killers contemporary cinema has ever faced. Actions talk better than words, therefore John Doe's presence is undertoned, his murders speak for his devious deeds. This guy is borderline psychotic, you feel like he's the result of society's decline, which means he could be your next-door, well-educated, everyday man. And, boy he's got a plan. Kudos to the screenwriter for his detailed portrayal of John Doe, but most of all, kudos to Spacey who knows how to deliver a scene-stealing character.

3) Dr Hannibal Lecter - Anthony Hopkins
Speaking of scene-stealers, Hopkin's Hannibal achieved in 16 minutes of screen time in The Silence of the Lambs to create the most talked about villain since Darth Vader. His exceptional manners, his academic education, his nearly superhuman sense of perception, combined with his serial killer instincts, chilling glare and rather unusual eating habbits, gave the big screen this fucked-up persona. He may be a bit surreal, but otherwise there wouldn't be so much hype over this psycho. Anthony Hopkins gave us a performance he has yet to match, except maybe for Nixon. Hannibal Lecter is the dream role for a movie villain wannabe, you can't but admire this

2) Norman Stansfield - Gary Oldman in Leon (1994)
Such a glorious performance. Gary Oldman has thrived in bad guy roles. But here, he gives us one of the best there are. The character of Stansfield isn't that well written, but Gary's portrayal gives this man depth and personality. Each time he says one of his memorable lines, you get that tingling feeling up your spine. He's mad, immoral, ruthless, with a sick sense of humour. "It's the cops outside... we better go". Plus, he's a cop who enjoys killing, something you don't get often in Hollywood. Thank Besson for this. It's a feared and awe-inspiring villain, not like most Tinseltown bad guys, who are out of this world. He is the impersonation of vileness, which brings him in second place.

1) Annie Wilkes - Kathy Bates in Misery (1990)
When I sat down to see this movie, I didn't know what to expect. After Annie's first outburst, my jaw dropped and I kept repeating the F word like in a Richard Curtis' script. This is a character with real life psychosis. A stalker who traps her victim in her own house. The number one fan.Annie Wilkes is the most down-to-earth villain there is in cinema.Kathy Bates elevates this character to unknown psycho levels. She's not overacting, she delivers a perfect performance. She's got the looks that make you see in her the great aunt you have that lives in the suburbs. She's nice mannered, plus she is utterly believable when in normal mode. When the Ms Hyde comes out of her, you can't help but daze. She hasn't got an alter ego, they both exist at the same time. She is smart too, you can't fool her like your average Hollywood crazy villain.Furthermore, quite determined.That sledgehammer scene. Anyway, funny how all the men got beaten by a female villain, but this crazy bitch deserves it.

Face it, Norman Bates set the example, but there have been much better psycho villains since 1960. This list is named "psycho villains", so that mentally ok characters are excluded. That leaves out Nurse Ratched and Verbal Kint who could make it in the top 5. Anti-heroes and slasher killers don't count.Sorry Travis Bickle, Freddy Krueger and colonel Kurtz. Amon Goeth from Schindler's List and Patrick Bateman from American Psycho could well be in. I actually feel guilty for not including Tony Montana, but he's borderline anti-hero /villain. And guys, Darth Vader is soooo over appreciated, when are you going to realise that.