Monday, December 18, 2006

Top 5 Christmas Proposals

"Merry Christmas, Bitches!"
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) Braincell-killing Christmas Comedies
Either you'll rent them for your children, or they'll be on TV. It's inevitable, so just deal with it. How much Tim Allen can you handle? Cause if your offsprings watch a couple of Santa Clauses, they'll be draggin' you to the nearest multiplex for the latest sequel. Even so, it's much better than watching Arnie Jingle All Da Way, or wasting 90 minutes of your life experiencing Christmas with the Kranks. It's either this, or spending more time with your in-laws. So why not in fact taking your little rascals to the nearest multiplex? It's a lose-lose situation, so just look at the bright side : Easter is four months away, you'll have just enough time to recover from your holiday traumas.

4) Old-fashioned Family Flicks
I guess watching It's a Wonderful Life for the fifteenth time is much like hearing Wham yelling about their Last Christmas : while they should push you one step closer to commiting suicide, they don't! It's a Christmas miracle! So, if watching the Seventh Seal on Christmas time ain't exactly your cupcake, watch Will Ferrell in tights and wonder why Elf was so adorable, or see how Macaulay Culkin was once successful. Oh, nevermind, there's always Die Hard...

3) Touchy-Feely Musicals
If you're not a fan of the all-singing, all-dancing stuff of the movie world, this is not your thing. But this one beats the crap out of the neighbour's karaoke sing-along get-together. Avoid any musical containing open heart-surgery, it's a bit out of the christmas spirit. And leave any sweet transvestites from outer space for the Halloween season. Let's start with Fame and A Chorus Line, and work our way up the cheerful chain. Watch Moulin Rouge until your retinas detach, mainly for all the red. Continue with "I feel pretty, oh so pretty" West Side Story, and "Over the Rainbow" Wizard Of Oz. Listen to Sally Bowles' yapping about a girl named Elsie, and then witness Billy Flynn do the Razzle Dazzle. Finally, if you're more of a Frank Sinatra type-of-guy (or gal) rather than a David Bowie one, then watch Gene Kelly as he jumps in and out of little water ponds, or lip sing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, and the hills will come alive with the sound of Julie Andrews.

2) Politically-incorrect Christmas laugh-fests
Christmas wouldn't be the same without some gift-wrapped, stop-motion skulls or some malicious little green monsters that reproduce with a touch of water. Introduce your children to a world without Smurfs, and make them watch the Grinch, as he steals all the presents from Whoville. Sing along with Jack Skellington, as he discovers Christmastown in the Nightmare Before Christmas. Admire how British Johnny Depp looks as pale Edward Scissorhands, and be careful not to feed your adorable Mogwai after midnight. Watch Bill Murray as he gets a visit by the Christmas Spirit, and wonder how this holy season would be like if Billy Bob Thornton was Saint Nick. Finally, cherish the little pleasures in life, like watching Chevy Chase being savagely molested by a raccoon in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.






1) A Richard Curtis Marathon
Welcome to the world of Richard Curtis. A world where three centrefold girls hit on you when you step into a bar, a world where the bookstore owner always gets the rich and famous girl. It doesn't matter if the movie isn't Christmas related. In the time of year where depression kicks in, and usually kicks in hard, we need a strong dose of corny. On Christmas Eve, start off with Mr Bean and Blackadder's Christmas Carol, just to get in the mood. Continue with Notting Hill and Four Weddings And A Funeral, and you have successfully prepared the ground for the big day. As an appetiser, serve Bridget's Jones Diary to the estrogen barring guests, and for the main course let the man mesmerize you with Love Actually. If at the end of the day you feel all mushy and warm inside, you have survived yet another Christmas period, all thanks to the rom com king.

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