Friday, October 06, 2006

Top 5 Movie Things I Want But I Can't Have.

"All we are is dust in the wind, dude!"
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) Lightsaber
Every child's wet dream in the late 70s and 80s. Every kid wants to be a jedi and have one of those. But I want that double, kick-ass, red one Darth Maul used to handle so skillfully. It's pretty dangerous though. I mean, if these things went to market, there would be chopped hands everywhere. Women would carry it around instead of mace. It's got its pros too.If you get lost in a blizzard, you could cut open an imaginary creature's stomache and warm yourself in its intestines. Pretty useful in cutting bread and toasting it at the same time. Now, that's a life saver.

4) Bill & Ted's Time travelling Phone Booth
Think about all the possibilities. You could travel back in time and spend an evening with Merilyn, run naked in Woodstock, take Hitler to 8th century's Ireland, introduce pot to Romans or just ask for Einstein to write your high school essay about the theory of relativity. Remember that great girl you used to go out with but she dumped you? You can finally have sex as many times you want with her and then dump her. Plus, it doesn't constitute as cheating. Or you could just go forth in time and get a lightsaber.

3) James Bond's Gadjets and Vehicles
Laser watches, portable helicopter, X-ray glasses, you name it. Fly to work with your jet pack in style, park your invisible car on your neighboor's loan, show off your card-guessing skills and get all the girls. Plus you can say a lot of lame lines. Or you can ask for Q to build you a lightsaber. Oh, and don't tell me you wouldn't trade your left nut for an Aston Martin.

2) The Matrix's skill-teaching machine
Learn kung fu in three seconds. No need for driving school. Load the entire wikipedia to your head. See what it's like to be know-it-all Good Will Hunting. Then,use your knowledge to do good. Find a cure for cancer and premature ejaculation. Or build your own lightsaber and time machine and sell the lightsabers to 80s children. Watch as society collapses.

1) Dirk Diggler's penis
Have this and you finally have a purpose in life: share your talent with the rest of the world. Join a circus and be the real one-eyed monster. Use your wang to scratch your knee without bending. Order condoms specially made for your schlong. Show off your weiner in the showers. Be a dildo model. Get in the Guinness Book of Records as the male-stripper-with-the-most-tips-in-a-single-show. You can photograph your shaft and upload the picture on a gay site, saying "See this rod, you can never have it". Cum in Heather Graham's tits. Cause afterall, what do you need a lightsaber when you 've got a 12 inch cock.

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