Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Top 5 Boring Movies

"Grandfather says that time is a child that plays dice on the shore"
Here are the finest five of them all.

5) In The Mood For Love (2000)
This Wong Kar Wai movie has so much slow-motion in it, it makes John Woo seem like Baz Luhrman. How manipulated can a catchy movie theme get? The techical details may be astonishing, but they sure don't keep your eyelids from closing. The slow pace could be saved in the editing room, but it finally lives up to its name. Thank God for Prozac.

4) 2001 : A Space Odyssey (1968)
The amount of boredom exceeds the respect I have for Kubrick. This movie is so dull and tedious, it's as if it was shot in slo-mo. It becomes a little too wearisome after a while, and you lose interest in paying attention for the deeper meaning. If it weren't for HAL, it would have reached No1. Michael Bay should watch it 24/7, mainly for rehabilitation purposes.

3) Dolls (2002)
The tag reads "three stories about never-ending love". It's about right, but the adjective was misplaced. This masterpiece by Takeshi Kitano is so tiresome, when this is over you'll have a mouth like Aerosmith's Steven Tyler from all the yawning. The marvelous cinematography and the few meaningful and deep lines of dialogue sadly can't keep you awake, so supply yourselves with many, many espresso shots.

2) The Age Of Innocence (1993)
It's so irksome and lame, it makes you beg to the Almighty for a power failure. It's most likely to bring tears in your eyes, not from the rags-or-riches tale, but from the satisfaction that you get when it finally ends. Watching the cast dine brings you one step closer to commiting suicide. Makes you wonder, were the Rennaissance years that boring?

1) The English Patient (1996)
Major yawn-fest. It's so monotonous, it should be prescribed as a treatment for insomnia. Overrated and bland, it leaves you comatose as soon as it ends. Repeated viewing is considered a sign of major masochism, and if so, one should seek medical help immediately. It should be the first movie to be re-released in a fully-cut edition, but who would pay to watch it?

Contenders
Only criticaly acclaimed movies qualify, which means no Legends Of The Fall. Afterall, it is the finest five boring movies. The Thin Red Line, Elizabeth, Mulholland Drive, Gosford Park, Amadeus, The Last Emperor, Gus Van Sant and Lars Von Trier movies happily weren't boring enough. Classics like Laurence of Arabia and Gone With The Wind were too classic to lay a hand on them.

15 comments:

estelle said...

hahaha:D poso to the point eisai, vre paidi mou! telika omos protimoume tis finest boring i tis kakotehna interesting tainies?

Anonymous said...

oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

why don't you just head of to your local multiplex and catch some Michael Bay then....

Anonymous said...

Crap list.

Nadine said...

Silly kids, go scoff a couple pizzas and watch Grindhouse.

charles said...

Well silly kid, that's about the worst list I've ever seen. I think you should get off your meta-amphetamine based diet (maybe start on mushrooms or pot instead) and realize that life can get pretty slow-paced, meditative and beautiful - all at the same time.

Vicmic said...

Go watch Armageddon, boy.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh!

Unfortunately, you will age, slow-down, develop piles and perhaps, one-day, become engaged in a serious relationship at which point your dislike of all those 'slow-paced movies' might just change. As your progeny grow and become teenagers;loud, brash and obsessed with 'instant' gratification; your perspective will undoubtedly change and you will long for the privacy and tranquility that only a long visit to the bathroom with the newspaper can bestow. Then you will return to some of these films (The English Patient, excluded) and wonder why you found them so boring in the first place!

You future is clear, haha.

Best of luck for 'the future' and buy the haemorrhoid-cream today! It will save both your pocket and your 'ring' in the the years to come.

Anonymous said...

"Big Fish" should be in the list too. Top 10?

Anonymous said...

While you're at it, put The Godfather, Star Wars, Silence of the Lambs, Scarface, Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, The Shining and Apocalypse Now on the list.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Attacking him for his opinion is awfully mature of you all...

I was expecting a cinematic-art masterpiece with Dolls, akin to what I found in The Fountain. But the imagery didn't come anywhere close to the bar, the plot lines were poorly executed, and the dialogue/acting wasn't powerful or deep enough to make up for the rest. Ultimately a great disappointment.

Anonymous said...

God...this is a fucking terrible list. Ya I know its this guy's opinion, but in my opinion, the list sucks ass, you have not seen enough movies to a list of this caliber.

Anonymous said...

Post your stupid opinion on the internet for people to read and they shall leave their stupid opinions in response. Tis the way of the net, complete with the requisite self righteous twat who shows up to insult people for being insulting and then luring the indomitable Mr. "GET A LIFE!!!1".

Oh yeah...GET A LIFE!!!!!!!1

Zwlmrpwq said...

"Makes you wonder, were the Rennaissance years that boring?"

Those weren't the Renaissance years. Those were the 1870s.

Anonymous said...

sorry man you dont know $hit about movies

Anonymous said...

I think the guy is pretty spot on but you know what? Movies are like art, everyone sees something slightly different so if you think all your likes and dislikes are the 'right' choices then post your own f*cking lists